Consuming Thoughts.

How can something I have never met, felt, or touched consume my every thought? I think about the baby we lost 24/7. I know there is nothing that we could have done to prevent this loss but, I can't help thinking about every little thing I did during this pregnancy and wondering if in some way that caused this. I also have selfish thoughts when I see little babies or hear that others are pregnant... why do they get to have a baby, why don't I get to have my baby, what makes them more ready to be a parent than me, what did I do to deserve to lose this baby. The thought of being around someone pregnant and hearing all about how wonderful everything is, or seeing somebody with a tiny baby make me beyond sad and I avoid that situation at all cost and have a feeling I will continue to do so for quite awhile. It is not that I do not wish these people all the best but I can't let myself be happy about there baby when I just lost mine. My job has been very difficult this last week, in the fact that I take care of babies and wonder all the time why all these people were blessed with happy healthy babies. DO NOT get me wrong, I am grateful EVERYDAY that I have Jack, he is my world and without him I would still be laying in bed feeling depressed but, having Jack doesn't make it any easier of a loss. I know that we will be pregnant again, hopeful sooner rather than later and that we will give birth to a healthy happy baby but, baby number #2 will always be in my thoughts and the what ifs will always be there.